DSR: First things first, Mr. Hunt, why the Daily Schmear?
PH: "Hell, why not the Daily Schmear?"
DSR: (chuckle) oh sure, but, I mean, like....what was your motivation?
PH: "Well, it started out as a tip sheet for a couple friends and grew into the multi-million dollar empire that now pays your salary, son!"
DSR: I see....and what exactly do you get out of it, other than all the money, of course?
PH: "Well, I get the satisfaction of bringing a little knowledge, a little joy and a few smiles to millions of down-trodden clods such as yourself. Plus, there's always the money, of course. That's kinda important, too"
DSR: OK, and what are your plans for the future"
PH: "Well, world domination, certainly....but also, I've got my eye on that little receptionist on the third floor."
DSR: Uh huh, and would you say you're happy, Mr. Hunt?
PH: "Hell, son, define happy? I've got all the money I need to last me the rest of my life, that makes me happy (laughs).....course I have to die by 3:30 tomorrow afternoon." (more laughs)
DSR: And what are your hobbies....I mean, besides making millions of dollars every day?
PH: "Well, as you know if you've been in the lunchroom, I dabble in woodworking. Right now, I'm working on a lifesize map of the entire country, every state a different kind of wood....whadya think of that? Love the feel of wood, know what I mean? Very tactile, very sensual stuff, wood. Hence the term "woodie", or didn't you know that?"
DSR: No sir, I didn't....but what do you do when your not working with wood, sir?
PH: "Well, I love firing people. I don't know why...just love the rush that comes over me when I get to blow somebody out of here, know what I mean? You probably heard about what happened to the last young fella came up here to interview me, didn't ya?"
DSR: Uh, yes, yes, I did, sir. I understand they still haven't gotten the stain out of the sidewalk. But what else do you like to do, sir?
PH: "Well, I love walking into a gun shop and buying a gun, then a whole bunch of bullets and then I ask the kid if they sell ski masks. Get a big kick out of that, for some reason. Oh, and parking behind signs with dark glasses on and pointing a hair dryer at passing cars.....love doing that too. Slows their asses down, I tell ya that."
DSR: Yeah, I'll bet it does, sir. Anything else you'd like our readers to know about you, Mr. Hunt?
PH: "Yeah, tell um I said that when I'm elected King, we're having open season on Provies once a year, OK? Make sure you tell um that, son....I'm gonna need their votes!"
DSR: Yessir, I sure will. Thank you, sir.
Tune in next week when Mr. Schnicklegruber reports from the local
Mental Hospital, where he's currently recoving from an acute anxiety disorder.
