The Daily Schmear
(5th Edition)
(How many times must I tell you people,
expand your screens.....geeeezzzz)
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It is a well known fact that the worlds greatest sheepshead players come from Wisconsin. However, it has recently been brought to my attention that many of you do not have the good fortune of living in our fair state and are therefore forced to admit that they can never be considered masters of the game. I understand your chagrin and commiserate with you completely, but I have a few suggestions to make your life easier.
To begin with, you could PRETEND that you live here or tell people that you USED to live here; however, this requires some familiarity with the state. Therefore, to make the facade more believable, here are some easy-to-remember facts that will make the charade less apparent.
#1 It is NOT a fact that cows are allowed to
vote in Wisconsin>
#2 There IS an L in Milwaukee, although most of
the people who live there don't pronounce it.
#3 Not everyone in Wisconsin lives on a farm.
#4 However, everyone in Wisconsin USED to live
on a farm.
#5 Wisconsin has no E in it.....therefore, it is
pronounced WISconsin, not WESconsin, as
sportscasters would have you believe.
#6 Not all residents of Wisconsin are Green Bay
Packer fans....(although we do have open
season on them once a year.)
#7 We have no death penalty for those residents
who insist on wearing chessehead hats.
(although we should have.)
#8 Many people who live in Wisconsin do NOT live
in Milwaukee.
#9 One person (in Rusk County, I believe)
hates cheese.
#10 Sheepshead is NOT a religion in Wisconsin.
(in spite of the many roadside shrines erected
to it.)
If the above is too hard to remember, simply tell people you drove through Wisconsin on a family vacation when you were very young, which will lend credence to your claim of Sheepshead superiority. Good luck.
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Editors note) In our last edition, we referred to certain provies as "Idiots". We certainly did not mean to imply that ALL provies are idiots. We have been informed that a provie in Idunknow, WY recently learned to tie his own shoes. We congratulate you, sir, and we stand corrected.
(This message brought to you by the NCTPPA..the National Council to Prevent Provie Abuse)
So send your money to the NCTPPA, because the mind is a terrible thing.......
and it must be stopped.......
in our lifetime.....
fore it kills somebody.
Thank you.
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(Once again, I remind you that the following tips apply only to 5 handed, pick a partner. It seems that some of you have been employing these tips in other card games, as well as board games, soccer and hopscotch. This is to be discouraged at all times.
Thank you.)
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As many of you know, I have recently returned from the International Sheepshead Conference in Geneva, Switzerland and am happy to inform you that much has been settled concerning our beloved pastime. What many of us considered to be simply a good idea in the past has now become a steadfast rule of the game.
Between the drunken bacchanal at the Hotel and the streaking incident in front of the Opera House (for which I really should apologize - all I can say is it seemed like a good idea at the time. I have no idea what I was thinking) we were able to come up with an agreement concerning many of the things that have bothered all of us for some time.
To begin with, it turns out that the debate about "Long to, short thru" was simply a matter of semantics.....it seems that many of you were not sure just what the hell was meant by to and thru. The following may help alleviate your confusion.
In both cases, the to and thru refer to the picker......if hes on your left, youre leading TO him and if hes on the end, youre leading THRU to him. I will do my best to explain the reasoning behind the rule and clear up this matter once and for all.
Assume you have cut the called suite and must begin the second trick and you have 5 cards in your hand.......one trump, three hearts and a club. The hearts would be considered your long suite and the clubs your short suite. If the picker is on your immediate left, (or one removed) you would lead a heart, your long suite. The reason for this is obvious....you would hope that the picker would attempt to take the fail trick with a points card, the ace, the ten or even the king. Since you have three of them, the odds of each of the other players having just one would be slim and one of your partners will overtrump the picker and take the points home. (Naturally, at no time would you consider leading the trump, right??)
If, however, the picker is on your right, (or one removed) your lead must clear the table before reaching the picker, and he can simply play whichever trump carries the trick. By leading long, you have put your partners in the same position that we just discussed about the picker. They will hope to carry the trick by playing smaller trump and the picker can simply pick off the trick by playing one higher. You have wasted your partners trump in a futile effort to take a fail trick. The only thing worse that you could do would be leading trump back.....it does no good at all.
If you lead the short suite through, fail will fall, not trump. The picker is forced to spend a trump to take the trick while your partners reserve theirs for the end game. If one of your partners has a power card and does not have the led suite, he can force the picker to play the boss card in order to get the points home. This allows all of the trump around the table to take on added importance. The object, remember, is to take points, not tricks. It does little good to get three or four tricks and still lose. If one of your partners does not have the suite you lead, but is unable to top the pickers card, he can fail off non-pointers in another fail suite, keeping his point cards until such time as one of his partners carries a trick and he is able to schmear. If the picker takes your short suite lead, he may very well come back with a seven or eight of trump, at which time your partner (who has no trump) can play a big pointer on the lead, hoping one of his partners can take it.
Remember, this is not rocket science......it is just a game, but in order to play it correctly, we must remember a lot of little things. How many games have we all seen where the picker wins by taking 63, 62 or even (God forbid) 61 points? And how many times have we all realized that by throwing a jack instead of the king, we may have won the hand?? It never seems important at the time, but all those little pointers add up and make the difference between winning and losing. And I can guarantee you that were you to go back over each of those games, you could find one play that made all the difference between the picker being successful and getting set.
Try to remember, it is not always a smart play to throw your smallest trump to the boss queen, not if it involves giving away points. Play the jack of diamonds or hearts before you play your king, ten or ace. With any luck at all, the next trick will be taken by one of your partners and you can then schmear.
Remember the sign that IBM made famous by posting it on the walls of their offices around the world.................THINK!!
Or thwim!!
Happy blinds to you all.
Phil Hunt
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Note to Circulation:
It has been brought to our attention that Mrs. Huskrushers copy of the Daily Schmear has been thrown into her rose garden again. Kindly determine who is responsible and have him flogged immediately.
Thank you
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With this edition, we hereby introduce our latest feature, "Letters to the Editor", a collection of letters seeking information. We have turned this task over to Gloria Ousterbanich, and hope the following is helpful.
Dear Sirs:
Could you kindly explain the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Signed: Confused and Perplexed in Shangri, LA
Dear Confused: (and perplexed)
Not a problem, good buddy. Unlawful would be anything that is against the law, whereas Illegal is a sick bird. Does this clear the matter up?
Kindly address all future questions to:
Gloria Ousterbanich
(who's ass is gonna be on the street if we catch her making
out with Arnold the copyboy one more time)
Very small crowded cubicle
third floor
The Daily Schmear Building
Wedontwanno, MO 12345
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As usual, look for your next edition of
The Daily Schmear
Whenever I damned well please.
Thank you
